I want to work for God but I don’t know what He wants me to do
As faith becomes firm, most believers gain confidence that God will handle everything for them (especially their career)…then there’s that another group — which I belong to — that tends to ask Him in every career move whether the plan in mind is what God really wants for him/her.
In terms of faith, I am that kind who overthinks, who is in a hurry to do something, and clearly, too scared to do anything without God’s obvious nod. I do believe in Him, but my scientific mindset somehow molds me to search for evidence. Truth be told, I fantasise about having night visions like Daniel or receiving direct missions from God like Moses did.
But I’m not Moses nor Daniel. I am just a regular student taking up her Master’s Degree. And boy, am I afraid. Afraid that my planned thesis topic won’t give Him glory. Then it will fail because it was not the one He wanted me to pursue. I am so afraid, I break down in tears while making my draft proposal. God, am I doing the right thing? I know that as long as you will it, anything becomes fruitful and successful. Talk to me.
I guess this sounds over-the-top but it’s true: I demand for Him to talk to me and to promise me that He will bless me. I want to be successful. And I know I can only do it with Him fighting for me at the front lines. Well, He is my King and I am just this dependent soldier.
God is sovereign and is fearsome. Everything in the cosmos fits and works in his plan. (Job 25:2) If that’s the case, understanding my actions towards this message might bring peace to my heart.
- I overthink.
If you’ve read my previous article entitled “I’m 22 but I feel like a 30", you’d know that from a young age, I was already achieving things. I was naturally a curious fella, wanting to know more about the universe and mixing backyard chemicals. I had fun watching reactions taking place. Twenty four years with this personality made me overuse my brain: think, think, think. I had an insatiable hunger to discover and to excel, and that’s why I took up pharmacy in college then pharmaceutical chemistry now.
I bought my first personal bible this year and decided that it’s time for me to know Him at a deeper level. I read the Scriptures from Genesis, and as I progress, I came to know how God works. He is the best God there is, and when He blesses, wonderful things happen to a person/nation.
Of course, my mind began to process this. I was like, if only I were God’s favorite child, then I would not need to worry at all. He’ll make a way for me, every single time!
With this thought, I began to be greedy for His blessings, even hoping He’d give me success that of Joseph’s or the wisdom like Solomon’s. I had this gut feeling that God will use me in a very special way such that when I feel like I am not being used enough, doubts appear. Maybe saying, “God, ikaw na bahala [it’s up to you]” then just going about day-to-day tasks won’t be efficient enough for me to be the successful person that I think I was going to be. This leads me to the second point:
2. I am in a hurry to do something.
Sometimes I envy procrastinators and slackers — how they manage to sleep at night knowing they have not done anything significant (i.e. binge-watching Netflix all day long). While me, after three episodes of laughing at the humorous Brooklyn Nine-Nine, would swear I’ll make up for it by doing an equivalent productive task.
But nagging myself to work is not the problem. Perhaps the problem is that it came to a point where I want God to hurry, too. I wanted Him to tell me now what I should do. To shake mountains or send down an angel to deliver His to-do list for me. To make me successful next year. I even told Him, “God, you know my work ethics. I never slack off for my personal dreams. Oh, how more dedicated I would be to carry out your plans for me!”
I realised that He is God. In recognising His sovereignty over all things, I must also recognise that He holds the time in my life. If He says that I am going to be a scientist after 20 years, then it will happen. If He says that I am not meant for research, then destiny will pull me apart from that dream.
But waiting does not mean that God is too busy to command. Scriptures say:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8–9)
Therefore, overthinking and overworking are useless. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21). Being aware of this, my last problem is that:
3. I am scared to do anything without God’s obvious nod
Okay, so I know fully well that I am powerless without God. What he commands, it happens. Because of this, I find myself asking him over and over and over if what I’m doing is what He wants. I guess I’m too scared to fail alone. I was quick to assume that failure happens because God did not bless my work…because He does not want me to pursue that plan. But Jesus was clear about this: Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7).
There is nothing too great for God. Knowing Him through reading, I know God is an approachable King. He knows what the heart wants. And maybe you sharing a pimple problem to Him is petty for you, but hey, God is full of love and is most kind. He listens and answers to our pleas. I know now that a soldier can’t fight for his King when he is too scared to even wear an armor or march the battlefield. God will go ahead of you, but you got to follow towards His promised victory.
“Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed,” he said. “Peace! Be strong now; be strong. When he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, “Speak, my lord, since you have given me strength.” (Daniel 10:19)
I do not need to literally hear these words if I really do believe in God. Besides, if I am too scared to do anything without his clear signs, then maybe I am not even ready to receive his plans for me. Maybe I am just that budding plant, wanting to become a tree but my roots are not deep enough. Here I am assuming I am ready, then God will send a storm and I’ll find myself breaking apart because I am not strong yet.
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. (Philippians 2:13).
I am trying to end this article with something that would make sense. I wanted to say that through this write-up, I gained that spiritual confidence that everything will fall to its place. But with all honesty, I am not a piece of work that can be fixed overnight. So as I wait, this is my prayer:
God, fail my plans that are not meant for me.
Take away the things that you won’t have for me.
But in every plan you have in my life,
Bring forth opportunities, possibilities and abilities
Open the windows of heaven, pour out your divine blessings
For I am a soldier that needs his King fighting before him
I am a believer of the One who seats in the Highest
I am who you make of me. I am yours.
